HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

January 1, 2013

As I Reflect back on 2012 I am continually amazed how one’s life can change in an instant.  2012 took me on an emotional ride that included the thrill of traveling in Latin America and sharing many special moments with Michael, to the heartbreak of his sudden death.  As soon as I gave up wanting grandchildren, I was blessed with Sebastian and the promise of another grandson, Will, in 2013. I am grateful to my son and daughter as they offer me the gift of a new generation to love and support me in the decades to come.

I am thankful for the generosity of new and current friends and family who crossed my path this year and participated in this rollercoaster ride. You gave me the strength to endure the loss of “Normal.”  I am on a new path, trusting my intuition, and constructing a new normal.

This year I have been challenged to see beyond the thick, gray clouds to a bright, colorful horizon filled with new life, love, and possibilities. “Never take one moment for granted” will be my New Year’s resolution!  I wish you all the blessings that change can bring to you in this New Year, embrace them. I hope our paths will cross soon to share the wonder of 2013.   

Musical Blessings

Sitting on the porch of our Costa Rica apartment, I can hear the music of the jungle that surrounds us.  The soothing sound of the waterfall splashing into the pool provides a background timbre to the sounds coming from the dense jungle.  Intermittently a howler monkey sings out in a rich baritone, perhaps warning others of the sighting of a noisy truck traveling the dusty main road in the distance. Birds chirp and coates squeak rounding out the sound of the chorus.

One day I attracted the attention of a bold but beautiful blue bird who smelled some of my homemade carrot-pineapple cake.  He flew in and took a sample from my outstretched hand and in one hour brought back his friends who he must have bragged to about the sweetness of the cake.  At least six of them gathered in trees within an arm’s reach.  I was amazed at the speed to which news of this cake was broadcast by one of the jungle’s most cunning food critics.  I believe these are the same blue feathered gangsters who once hounded customers of the best sandwich and homemade ice cream shop in this little town.  No sooner did the sandwich reach the table than one of the noisy birds would swoop down, grab a big portion of the meal, and fly off just out of reach of the angry, shocked customer.  Then, in a mocking defiance, share his loot with the other gang.  Eventually Robin, the owner, began losing too much money replacing meals. So she told me that she had to forbid the bandits from ever sharing another meal or the tree branches that shaded the tables from the hot lunch-time sun.  Robin did not reveal her method of expulsion other than to say, “The birds and I had a lengthy discussion and they wisely departed for the jungle.”  Knowing their boldness I am not encouraging them with any more food during their daily visits to bathe in the waterfall.  I realize it wouldn’t be long before they would be knocking on my kitchen door.

Like most of the surfers and visitors to Playa Guiones, we are enjoying many sunsets that bring everyone down to the sandy shoreline at five each evening.  But none have been as wonderful as the one we all experienced on 12-12-12.  The energy on the beach was electric.  Pastel colors danced across the sky and guided the last surfer through the curl of a wave and onto the deep purple shadows of the beach.  Sebastian held court with anyone who stopped to admire his bubbly personality, while his parents and grandmother enjoyed the attention and smiled proudly.  

Evening entertainment starts early here in the jungle where howler monkeys call revelry before sunrise.  It seems that each restaurant has musical entertainment on one special night a week so there is something happening somewhere each night.  Richard has made small entries into these evening events by intermittently singing with one of the bands.  It is obvious, by the smile on his face, that singing, to an appreciative crowd, is where he belongs.  Even Sebastian is entertained by Richard in what we call his music lesson.  Just one strum of the guitar stops any cranky noise coming from Sebastian who immediately turns his attention to listen and watch as each cord is produced.  On one occasion Sebastian even joined in to sing backup on one of the songs. 

The weather here is pleasant with warm mornings, hot mid-afternoons and cool evenings that often require a blanket for sleeping.  Just before the heat of the day we are reduced to laughing children as we splash through and over warm salt water waves.  Some of the waves, if we are lucky, carry us all the way to the beach.  We have ridden the quad on dusty, bumpy roads to a beach called Osteonal where large populations of turtles come to nest each month.  We rescued one little guy from certain death by taking him out of the hot, black sand.  Due to a very low tide we had to carry the baby a long distance to the water’s edge where we gently released it into the water to catch a wave.   Only 1-2% of these little guys make it to adulthood.  With any luck he/she will return right back where to where it was born to start the cycle over again.  

There are an abundance of blessings in this part of the world.  When it isn’t too hot I have found cooking provides me a creative outlet. Tuesday’s organic market provides most of the wonderful inspirations for many meals.  Friendly local gringos, assimilating into the Costa Rican lifestyle, have welcomed us to parties and other social gatherings.  We are surrounded by nature where the wild inhabitants of the jungle allow us a peek into their life as we sit on the periphery of their home.  Right now I can see a humming bird sipping nectar from beautiful, red hibiscus flowers. A red squirrel, having taken careful notes, learns to hang upside down to share some the sweetness.

When I reflect upon the past eight months any sadness about the past or worry about my future quickly dissipates into a smile when I see nature at work or hold my grandson in my arms. I am grateful and feel lucky as I listen to the music of the jungle mixing with words sung by my personal musician, “Wait a little while, as soon as you no longer try you’ll find it standing right there by your side.   Just forget it, when you let it, It will come to you.” (Kenny Loggins)

Happy Thanksgiving:
I am giving thanks for everything I have and celebrating those who are not with us this year.  We are all subject to loss.  Many of us have lost loved ones over the years and some even recently.  While we reflect back on those we miss in our lives it is also important to be grateful for the time we had with those who are no longer with us.  They enriched our lives in ways that are too often only discovered once they are gone. Loss is a great teacher.  We learn to be grateful for our own life and for those who are still with us. This is a perfect time to tell everyone who brings light into your life how much you care for them.   

For me, the loss of Michael meant hitting a brick wall.  There seemed to be no way out of the corner I’d walled myself into. There are still times I can’t imagine a life without him in it.  Everyone mourns in their own way.  For me depression and grief didn’t fit me well. I didn’t like who I was sitting in a corner on the verge of depression. I am much too full of life to surround myself in tears and sadness. I feel that Michael has a hand on my shoulder and is pushing me down a different path away from sadness. 

Michael never wanted me to be unhappy.  He told me that if anything ever happened to him, that I should not lock myself away. He wanted me to go out into the world and enjoy what I found there.  In the last few months of his life he would tell me in various ways that he lived a wonderful life.  He felt blessed that we met and had the opportunity to share a very special relationship. But he also told me: “When I am gone, if someone asks you to dance, I want you to say yes.” 

So that is what happened; someone asked me to dance. Fortunately for me, he actually loves to dance. I am allowing the gift of life to enter in the form of a new relationship with someone who has followed me to Costa Rica. He brings the warmth of laughter and surrounds me in soothing music.  Rich is an accomplished singer, musician, composer, and author of children’s books.  But most of all he has a genuine spirit, open mind and heart that is sensitive to my recent loss.  I am finding happiness just when I suspected that was never going to be a possibility.  I have chosen life rather than dwelling on death. 

One quote I read recently by Mark Twain said: “Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with. Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”  Just know that I am not moving on and forgetting the past.  Even though I am walking a new path, the people who I love and loved are not forgotten; they walk this path with me also. 

Page, as most of you know has presented me with a beautiful grandson, Sebastian Miguel who was born on September 5, 2012 shortly after the 7.6 Costa Rican earth quake. Unlike the day he was born, he is tranquil and sweet and smiles much of the time. I am here in Costa Rica to experience this wonderful baby and spend time with his busy parents, Page and Chandy. His mother has a thriving Pilates business. His father is also busy running his Italian restaurant while building a new place to move his restaurant.

Another wonderful surprise is that my son Peter and his wife Kristen (who are also here in Costa Rica celebrating this holiday) are expecting their first child, William David “Will” due on April 15, 2013. For many of you this may only mean tax day.  For us it is one year to the day of Michael’s passing. Could it be that Michael continues to send messages that life is important and new life brings special joys that should be shared by everyone?  I think so.  To me his message is that of rebirth, renew, and embrace life to its fullest.  

Here in the lush, tropical jungle of Costa Rica we have been visited by Coate (ring tailed raccoon cousin) and several beautiful blue and white birds who bathe in the waterfall near the pool. We hear howler monkeys morning and night as they feed in nearby trees. Intermittently there is a cooling breeze that plays with the palm leaves and rustles the tropical foliage that is sprinkled with dancing red flowers.  We are blessed by a lovely ocean full of warm water for swimming and surf breaks that entice Page and her friends into the waves.  And at low tide there is a flat, shell filled beach to walk that seems to go for miles.  I am grateful for the blessings on this day. For now I am just enjoying life and the gifts sent to me.  I will wrap myself in the arms of those I love and give a special thanks to all of those who are no longer physically with us.  I realize they have stories to tell.

Earth Quake Baby:  Sebastian Miguel Cabalceta-Sieffert

We were blessed with this sweet baby on September 5^th when he came into the world not long after a 7.6 earth quake hit Costa Rica.  Fortunately, most of the damage was along the Pacific coastline in areas where not many people live.  While we felt the earth move quite vigorously here in our hilltop home, San Jose was spared.   After Page endured 36 hours of labor, 7.1 lb Sebastian was assisted into the world by C-Section.  Sebastian made it difficult to deliver normally because he favored lying with his back facing his mother’s back and just would not progress into a normal birthing position. 

It has been tiring getting used to the routine of having a baby around.  He is either breast feeding, burping, eliminating, fussing and occasionally sleeping in 3-4 hour intervals. Then there was the breast pain and nipple soreness that caused tears to form in Pages eyes whenever the baby needed feeding. Add abdominal incision discomfort and sleep deprivation and it made for a rough first week.  Fortunately, we have passed this painful period and Page nearly back to her old self probably because she is finally enjoying several hours sleep at a time.

 I occupy my time with cooking, doing dishes, washing diapers, doing the laundry, and assisting Page where possible with the baby.  I get to do all the fun stuff like cuddling, walking, rocking, and changing or bathing our newest family member.  Sebastian makes all this work and lack of sleep possible because he is so adorable.  As you can see he has a full head of dark brown hair, almond eyes with expressive eye brows and long lashes, full lips, perfect ears, and beautiful smelling baby skin.   It is wonderful to wake up to this sweet baby every day.   After enjoying so many other babies over the years, it is amazing to realize that this one is my very own grandchild.  However, it is even more wonderful to see my daughter Page enjoying her new role as a mother more than I ever thought would be possible.  We want to thank everyone for their support and well wishes while we waited for Sebastian to arrive and thanks also to those who have written since his birth. 

I am happy to report that we are all doing well, getting into a good routine, and when possible, I am still climbing the hills.  We will continue to stay in San Jose until the end of the month.  Page and her new family will go back to there home in Nosara where she will snuggle in and endure the usual October rainy season. And Sebastian’s daddy, Chandy will finalize plans for building his restaurant as soon as the rain stops.   I will come back to Manhattan Beach briefly and then head to Baja for the month of October to avoid the rainy season in Costa Rica.  Then, in mid-November, I will return to Costa Rica to help with Sebastian while Page goes back to a very busy work schedule.  The weather in Nosara is generally wonderful during Thanksgiving and Christmas time.   I look forward to walking the beach, talking to the howler monkeys, and enjoying my grandson as he begins to smile and giggle and notice the jungle world where he will live. 

Nature Verses Invention-Intervention

We are currently into a mind challenging waiting period that is ten days past due-date for my weight gaining grandson.  It is becoming both a physical and mental exercise for Page who feels the burden of the heavy load.  She is feeling like a ticking time bomb wondering when her natural Pitocin induced contractions will begin.  With a full Blue Moon transitioning us into a September birth we hope that the natural forces of the moon’s pull will safely and naturally guide Sebastian into the world.  We are hopeful that there will be no need to travel down the slippery slope of hospitalized intervention.

Today, as with most days, I like to climb the cellulite burning hills that surround us. I find it clears my mind and settles any anxiety that comes from three weeks of waiting.   We are surrounded by a natural gymnasium that is both challenging and invigorating.  While those in urbanized areas are running on treadmills, elliptical machines, and stair steppers, I am stepping into nature’s fitness center by pushing myself up winding, steep hills that quickly make demands on my muscles, heart, and lungs.    Here there is no mind numbing TV program.   From the moment I step from the house nature embraces me.  I am joined by colorful butterflies and one unusual looking, giant, white caterpillar that slowly undulates toward bushes that will support his eating habits and eventual cocoon.  Leaf cutter ants carry a heavy burden, many times their weight, back to feed the hungry colony that waits somewhere nearby.  The ant reminds me that if it can climb these hills, with a leaf on its back, then so can I.  Along the road there’s a large cement gutter carrying gallons of fast moving clear water from the rain soaked mountains above.  I pretend that it is a rushing stream and try to keep pace with the sound.  Today thankfully, the wind blew a cooling breeze across the fields and up the mountain side.  It is a welcome relief in the heat of the morning sun. 

With each mountain crest I enjoy the kindness of strangers calling out “Ola, Buenos Dias”  to me as I trudge on by.   Smiles and waves are always exchanged.  I am encouraged to continue up each new hill by sweet over weight old men who I see daily.  They cheer me on with unknown words of kindness and laughter for the gringo woman who climbs the hills merely for exercise; not the purpose of reaching my home.    I have also made friends with a few of the dogs that live along the way.  They come to greet me in their own friendly way. 

My reward, upon reaching the top, are the sounds that add a new dimension to music from my I-Pod.  I see cool winds send rustling ripples through banana leaves.  I hear water gushing down gullies, roosters crowing, birds singing, and dragonflies buzzing.  I am always rewarded by the stunning beauty of the multi-hued green mountain sides lush with vegetation.   Today, of all days, I am reminded that nature is calling upon us to be patient.  It is reminding us to embrace the mystery and wonder of it all.  Babies come when they are ready.  And, like the undulating forces deep in the earth that made these crazy steep hills, labor will start naturally if we relax and allow the natural forces to prevail. 

Due Date

Today is Page’s due date and I am just wondering how many babies actually arrive on that predicted day.  Page continues to have boundless energy and has no significant signals that labor will start anytime soon.  We are all learning patience here. Page, her partner Chandy, and close friend, Shelley, from Nosara, and myself are all here playing the waiting game.  Then there are the other three women who are expecting girls who are waiting at another location fondly called the “farm.”  The owners of the farm, where Page decided not to stay and deliver her baby, commented that of all the births that have occurred there over the past thirty years, not one boy has ever been born there.  So it is interesting that Page was not able to picture having her son there and left.  She is pregnant with the only boy of her group of pregnant women.

We are learning to appreciate the gift of time.  It is interesting how we either have too much time or too little time.  When Page first got the news that she was pregnant, nine months seemed like such a long time in the future.  But actually the last few days of her pregnancy has been a more difficult waiting period.  Since we live high in the hills overlooking San Jose and the smaller town of Escazu, we are challenged by finding things to do.  While it is beautiful here it is easy to feel trapped.  There is either walking up steep hills or down them.

Mornings are warm and stunning with sunshine lighting up the green hills and mountains surrounding us.  Then, by afternoon, the cool rain returns for several hours and it is time to put on sweatshirts and find things to do indoors.  I have turned my focus to cooking.  I have baked some great desserts and dinners which have been appreciated by the all of us who are in a holding pattern.   Most of the programs on the television are in Spanish and not many of the English programs are interesting.   We should all be grateful for the time to read or make conversation knowing how much energy and time a baby takes. But we are just so excited to meet this little person that it is difficult to appreciate this “down” time.   We will keep you posted.  Until then, we are either walking up the hills, or down them, dodging the rain drops when they catch us somewhere in between. 

Playing the Waiting Game:

August 15, 2012

Today in Costa Rica it is Mother’s day.   Page and I are waiting for the arrival of her son, Sebastian Miguel, high up in the hills overlooking San Jose, Costa Rica.  To get to the home you have to travel up some nearly 90 degree winding roads that overlook the small city of Escazu and the larger, sprawling city of San Jose.  The mornings are sunny with comfortable temperatures that rarely reach 80 degrees.  Then, frequently in the afternoon, there are loud tropical rains that last an hour or two leaving cool evenings perfect for sleeping.  Last night there was a beautiful sunset that cast a purple hue on the mountains that surround the city.  We are living in a very modern two bedroom, three bath home owned by Americans who live in Texas.  It has all the modern conveniences that anyone would require, including maid service, once a week.  This house has hosted a home birth once before so we feel it is blessed with very good maternity Karma. 

We try to exercise daily.  But walking up the steep inclines can be challenging for both of us.  On one of our walks we found a charming restaurant that was up a bit higher in the hills from where we live.  We met the owner, George, just as he was coming home to open the restaurant for the Sunday afternoon lunch crowd.  He and his wife, and father have recently taken over running the restaurant and inn.  The rooms and restaurant are nestled among beautiful flowering trees, old growth palms, ferns, and bougainvillea.  George’s English is flawless due, in part, to having been transplanted from Costa Rica to LA as a youth.  He spent his young adult years, coincidently, in Manhattan Beach and Torrance.  His restaurant, El Gecko, has a stunning panoramic view of the city far below.  Jazz music adds just the right kind of ambiance.   Tonight we have a gracious invite to dine with our next door neighbor Midge, who settled in Costa Rica from Miami over ten years ago.  But some evening soon we are hoping to enjoy the view and an Italian inspired meal at El Gecko.

Page has had a very easy pregnancy and is due to deliver August 22 or 23^rd.  Her son, Sebastian is still moving like crazy.  Apparently he spent most of the pregnancy in a side lying position, just hanging out bouncing in a horizontal plane, like in a bath tub, while his mother went about her life in a little town near Nosara, Costa Rica.  I think it was a smart move for his survival to be in this position.   Page didn’t let pregnancy stop her from doing the things she wanted to do.  She even kept surfing into her fifth month.  Just yesterday I learned, from a shocked observer, that she took some very tough waves one day.  Her friend told me that he stood on the shore in shock watching, as waves that were well over her head, came through.  “Page was crazy to be out there I thought. But then she just slipped into the wave and dropped gracefully, enlarging abdomen and all, down the face of it without missing a beat.”  This comes as no surprise to me as she has always pushed the limits of her athletic ability.

At nineteen, Page hung up her toe shoes to become a very gutsy surfer catching waves in many parts of the world.  She has also worked out her need to dance by ripping up the dance floor in Latin dance clubs where ever she lives or travels.  When I recently asked her how she was feeling she complained about being tired.  This is understandable in the ninth month.  But then I found out that her fatigue was mostly due to having gone out to dance salsa for three hours straight the night before.  In addition to hours spent at the beach, or on the dance floor, she has been busy growing her Pilates business since moving two years ago.

There are no paved roads in Nosara and the only transportation Page has is a quad.  It is either a dusty or wet ride depending upon the season.  But it is almost always a bumpy ride.  Page worries that the Sebastian could easily have shaken baby syndrome before he is born.  But I think he has been a smart baby and protected himself by staying in a horizontal position so that he just rocked from side to side and enjoyed the ride.  But luckily, in the last two weeks, he has decided that he wanted to be ready to enter the world and moved into the head down position.  But, like his mother, that hasn’t prevented him from moving around.  I have witnessed him literally moving from side to side in her beach ball sized belly.  There are times we can make out the outline of his foot as he kicks and squirms as if he is practicing some soccer moves that would make his athletic father proud.  I hope that by my next blog I can introduce everyone to this surfer and potential world cup footballer.